“Where Was My Voice?” Part 3

Hi everybody! Here we are at “Where Was My Voice?” Part 3. Let me pick up where I left off.

After the incident that landed me on the grass in my front yard late one night, I couldn’t return to my life as it was. (See “Where Was My Voice” Part 2) I knew I had to get off the road I was heading down but I didn’t know how! “Where on earth is the exit?!” I didn’t have the answers yet but I now had the hope and desire to do so churning inside of me.

I still continued at high speeds for many miles in the days ahead but I tried to keep my neck craned for a sign of an off ramp. It was kind of like those sections of highway where the sign says, “Last Rest Stop for 87 miles”. You’ve seen those signs, right? If you don’t keep your eyes open for them and you fly past, well, you can find yourself very “uncomfortable” for quite a stretch. Maybe even push it up a little over 65 to get to the next rest? A little….Or perhaps a lot? (No need to nod your head. I know you’ve done it.)

In anticipation of a “sign” up ahead, I tried to move my life into the middle lane so I could yank the wheel for an abrupt exit. Desperation began to grow in me as I swerved in and out of lanes trying to avoid a deadly crash with reckless people all around me. I kept looking at the needle of my heart indicating how much fuel I had left in my tank. Hot tears pooled up daily behind my eyes as I knew I was right on empty. “Oh God! I’m not going to make it!!”, screamed over and over in my head. But God was in full pursuit of me, right on my bumper. As my mom and her church friends prayed harder, the Lord pulled out from my rear view to begin to overtake me. I could now see Him in my side view. I’d never experienced the hope of being “pulled over” before! “Please God, PLEASE don’t let me shake you!!” To test Him, I decided to floor it. I know….. How ridiculous, right? My poor mom. Sigh… What was it like to be HER?!?

Remember in “Where Was My Voice?” Part 1, I told you about the vivid memory I’d recently had of being pinned against the wall by an intoxicated, enraged biker when I was 16 years old, bringing us to the title, “Where Was My Voice?” Keep your finger in that page as we go forward in the next couple of weeks. It’s all going to come together!

So, what was it that had provoked this man I’d been in a relationship with? Well, I’m sure the fact he was an alcoholic and drug addict with a rage problem had SOMETHING to do with it. But this current agitation was from my recent involvement with a man named John whom I had met through the sale of “illegal substance”, let’s just say. I thought this would be a beneficial move for me in order to get out of a toxic and dangerous relationship, but in many ways, I was jumping from the pan into the fire. I think that’s pretty clear to ALL of us as we read on here, but at the time I really did think this was a stable move! Well, sort of. Actually, I thought about it for approximately 30 seconds before acting. Hey, 30 seconds seemed like a LONG time to someone with little to no self control!! Sigh. Yup.

About John

John was a man with a messy, sorted, troubled life. Layers and layers of rubble. True, that description seems to fit MOST of the guys I’d been involved with, but there was one marked difference with John. My mother disliked him intensely. Not that she was fond of the other guys I’d dragged in but this one she said was, “evil”. That’s right, evil. She told me when she met him and looked in his eyes she saw darkness and evil. My mother had NEVER said such a thing before. It filled me with terror as I knew it was true. I just didn’t know it fast enough. With that, she called my father. Now, THAT was bad! My mom reserved “THAT” call for desperate situations she needed intervention with. Have I told you what my father did for a living? No, I don’t think I have. My dad….was a police officer. Can you believe it?! “THAT” call brought my father from out of state down to our doorstep and in touch with local authorities.

Thus began the arrests and hope of the end of my involvement with this man. I DID try to get away but my addictions strong armed me back. I couldn’t get out! I was caught in a sucking vortex that I couldn’t pull free of. The fateful decision to go out with a group of people that I didn’t know well and ended up overdosing while in a stranger’s car landing me on the grass in my front yard was actually BEFORE I got involved with John! (“Where Was My Voice?” Part 2) I was obviously NOT reading the signs clearly as I was flying forward. I thought I had spied a way off this highway that would take me to a new direction in life, but as usual, I was making my OWN knee jerk decisions, continuing to get involved with dangerous people that were more messed up than I was! But God stayed right at pace with me, keeping me in His sights. “I’m NOT going to keep living like this, God! I’ve GOT to get out of this mess I’m in! Please, help me! Please! I’m lost! I’m so completely lost…”

Jeremiah 29:11- “For I KNOW the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future with an expected end.”

I’m so thankful that God does, indeed, have a clear solid plan. He knows the way out. He IS the way out! Once again, a plan started formulating in my mind. This time, it was God’s plan. I couldn’t be sure of it at the time but I began to search for a way to carry it out. The day and opportunity came, the pieces were in place and though my heart beat out of my chest with fear, I burst through the door, yelling.

To be continued….

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